06 Jul 2009

Insurgency on the Hill?

army_squirrelGuest writer, Jen of WARP4, Capitol Hill’s  Counterinsquirrelcy Task Force writes:

The following is a public service announcement regarding an imminent threat to our ‘neighborhood sovereignty’.  Squirrels (yes, I said squirrels) from all over Capitol Hill have banded together in a deliberate attempt to drive out the ‘Human Occupying Forces’ inhabiting their neighborhood. Recent activity shows that the insurgency is on the rise and consists of a networked group of squirrel ‘cells’ massing attacks that are both intelligent and diabolical:

Recently, while walking along the sidewalk of 10th St between East Capitol and A NE, unbeknownst to me, I ran into an active squirrel cell in the midst of some kind of planning meeting.  I soon came under attack by what can only be described as ‘Improvised Nonexploding Devices’ cleverly disguised to look like sticks.  Despite being hit by one of these INDs, I managed to escape to the safety of the next block.

Have you ever had an encounter with armed urban wildlife?

That incident, however, pales in comparison to the ‘suicide squirrel’ bombing attempted on me earlier that same week.  The insurgent attacker dropped itself out of a 3rd story branch on 9th St putting myself and Buster, my faithful canine companion, in immediate harms way. Fortunately, my arm deflected the would-be attacker and he landed, without commotion, on the sidewalk below.  (Seriously, a squirrel fell on me–I don’t know what’s up with that)  All 3 participants seem to have escaped without major physical injury.

Let these incidents be a warning to the residents of Capitol Hill–always be on the lookout and report any suspicious squirrel
activity to your neighborhood Counterinsquirrelcy Task Force.

Be careful out there…

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One response to “Insurgency on the Hill?”

  1. DanB says:

    Thanks so much for the warning. I guess I should confess that all the insults to body and spirit being hurled upon us by those rambunctious tree-huggers is due to the wild and I must say unfounded exclaimations of our canine companion, Suviaamu. (Her name, pronounced soo vee ah moo, means a beautiful summer morning in Finnish, her native tongue). Being a first generation immigrant to our gentle land, she’s unfamiliar with the ways of those rascally nut hoarders and takes their tail twitchings as a threat to the general peace and well-being of our community. As a result, she excoriates them unceasingly. And, I believe, it is in response to her unrelenting barking and chasing that has caused them to take up arms and attack all creatures who pass by their leafy domain. For this, as Suvi’s humble servant, I apologize to all.

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